3 Parenting Questions to Ponder

I wrote this in 2008....so in absence of something original....

1. Why can I not go to the bathroom alone?

I don't believe I have.....uh....made any 'offering to the Porcelain God 'independently since I say......moved into this condo? I am not sure if it is because my children believe I need 'Child Guidance'....admittedly I have been rewarded with....'you a big girl!'....'good go the potty, not in your pants' among other praises and unwelcome commentary.

I had this one moment of brilliance sometime last week when I thought. Maaaybe they think I cannot go alone because THEY never get to go alone. I am a super genius. (The minute you think you have out thought your kids.......think again. This is sage advice)

So I sent the boy to make an offering.....alone.....as I felt it was indeed time that he could make a go of it alone....

and I am not sure if God was watching.....and paying me back (see my Tarentella Tale story )....but as Little Mr. Muffet sat on his tuppet expelling his curds and whey.......along came a spider, that 'threatened' to bite her.....er...him. And frightened my boy away....permanently.....Never to go to the potty alone again.

So that didn't work.

I tried it on the girl....figuring one witness to my bathroom crimes would be better than an audience.

Sat her down. All was quiet. All seemed well.....for a little too long.

I opened the door as I heard her flush. Funny.....I had no idea the toilet water was carbonated and foamy.

Well....if you are wondering.....it isn't.....unless you pour half a bottle of bubble bath in it.

So much for my brilliant idea. Mental Midgets Unite!

2. Why is my food always 100% better than theirs?

We could all be eating cereal. Accurately measured out....milk too. Using the same spoons. And they would want my bowl.

I have tried variations. Another example of what should be brilliant thinking thwarted upon inception.

Variation #1:

Pour yourself a bowl of Colon Blow cereal....(and plan to have witnesses to the aftermath). Pour the boy and girl a bowl of cereal.....with marshmellows, sparkles, unicorns flying around it in a circle, the milk spouting beautifully out the middle. The will not want that. They will want the bowl of Colon Blow......chock full of bark, berries and crunchy sticks.

Variation #2

Same scenario. Now they are eating your Colon Blow. So you decide take a bite of the Candyland cereal before the Unicorns get soggy and the sparkles get dull.

Before it reaches your lips.....mark my words. They will first grab the spoon before it reaches your lips sending a unicorn into orbit, splatting colorfully on your shirt......the magenta is striking against the pale yellow you know. Then drive the spoon into the bowl like a conquistador claiming a new land.....and say.......the word that composes a full 1/3 of the vocabulary of the under 5 set.......MINE!

So you are back to your bowl of Colon Blow. Only the milk has softened the bark, berries, and sticks into the consistency of wall paper paste.

I know what you are thinking next. So I just won't eat cereal until they are 12! By then they will have all the cereal eaten before you wake up. Each box costs about as much as a gallon of gas.....but that is a discussion for another article.

Face it. Once your children turn into toddlers with teeth.....you will never again....dine alone. Something you had always wished for........much too fervently.

3. The time it takes to clean their room is inversely proportional to the amount of time it takes to destroy it.

Nothing more to say on that one.

Sometimes I thank GOD my kids are cute. It saves me from eating my young. hee.